DOUCHEY NEWSFLASH: John Mayer, “NOT a D-BAG?!”
We thought our work here was done. We here at TDDL thought that we could rest on our douchey laurels. The whole purpose of TDDL was to promote and try and get people to understand our undying, burning lust for douchey males. At first, people thought our burning desire was nothing that a cream couldn’t fix. But post by post, they began to see what we had seen in parent’s basements, under the blacklights and leopard-print blankets all along. The mainstream embraced us like two sweaty, inked guns–and we liked it. How else could something like this exist and get so much attention? In short, we thought our mission complete. How mistaken we were.
Alas, a new trend looks ripe to emerge–and we see the hideous future of it in this story about John Mayer. As you may remember, the TDDL staff loves it some John Mayer. He grew to douchey awesomeness as the culture simultaneously learned to embrace our obsession.
Why, why John Mayer? Why this, why now?:
In the interview for Playboy’s March edition, some of which reportedly took place as Mayer downed malt whisky, the singer sought to refute the media image of him as a womanizer and “douchebag.”
Malt whiskey? Where oh where is the Jager, Mayer? That burns us more than the last 3 shots we did at Great Uncle Joey’s 80th birthday keg stand last week. And if you’re not womanizing, what the hell are you doing with your time? Listening? Being compassionate? This very thought makes us what to extrude our stomachs out our mouths.
“I’ve been trying to prove to people I’m not a douchebag by not dating, by keeping my name out of ‘Us Weekly’,” he said.
You can pretend, Johnny, but we here at TDDL know better. You can’t deny your roots. Okay, so that racist stuff is pretty bad–you might want to deny deny deny there, but let’s get something straight–you can’t stop being douchey. You can unpop that collar and start washing your hair, but we know the truth. You can’t run from it. And you need to stay true. As goes Mayer, so the world. So come back to us. We’ve got enough napalm in our hearts for you to ignite indefinitely.