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Doucher Uppers

 As any lady worth her douchey-dude-loving salt will tell you, a good douche is hard to find. The quality is ofttimes lackluster and the douchebag spirit, which we’re all so enamored of, well, is as unattainable as the holy pimp cup. Some douches are so easy to spot, but are yet so out of reach. Alas, if only you could change a man … But maybe you can? Perhaps, with certain stimuli, a man, teetering on the fence can be pushed over the edge onto the grassy knoll of douchedom we so desire.

All you dudes can be douchey–you’re just supressing it! Don’t hide that in the closet! We know you’re out there, you studs–you’ve got it in you (or just maybe, you’re lookin’ to get it in me). Please, go strum that guitar in the park, and ignore all the passersby by appearing deep and affected. Wear that pastel shirt with pride to the frat bar. We’re understanding–we’ll give you time to learn how to casually ignore our text messages and name our ladybits after nascar drivers (“Baby, I want to Bobby LaBonte your Kurt Busch”). Rip off that t-shirt with pride and flex like there’s no tomorrow. Let’s hop on that vespa and drive away on the fumes of your overpowering cologne. You’ll take us there on the puttering, bumpy ride we crave. Oh hells yes.